Roadblock.

I’ve been wanting to start something like this for nearly a year now because infertility is just plain hard. It’s hard to go through, it’s hard to watch someone go through, treatments are expensive AF, and it’s hard to talk about. And because it’s hard to talk about, so many people just don’t and that sucks so much.

I found out I had PCOS around two years ago. I went in for a follow up ultrasound because in my early twenties, I had to have a benign tumor removed from my fallopian tube, so I’m supposed to get checked out for that specifically once a year. At the end of my appointment, I was handed a pamphlet and told I had PCOS and given a few tips to help manage it.

I was heartbroken. I knew it wasn’t impossible to conceive with PCOS. It affects women in different ways, but I also knew that it was going to make my dreams of being a parent difficult. When I told Shane the night I found out, he was more than supportive. He held me and hugged me and let me cry my eyes out about how much it sucks that we would have to jump through a million hoops to ever conceive a child because of a stupid genetic condition that I just found out I had.

I’ve always wanted kids. When I was little, I wanted to be a mom when I grew up. I’ve been so blessed with all the little lives I’ve played a part in while nannying. Being parents’ eyes, ears and hearts while they’re away has left a huge impact on my own life. I’ve always thought and hoped that one day, I would be raising my own children. That I would be up all night losing sleep over them. Buying clothes and unnecessary things for them. Some people don’t want children at all and that’s completely fine, but that was never me.

I have a career that I love and the man of my dreams. So many times we’ve seen something and shared “our future kids need this.” We’ve smiled through so many “When are you having kids?” inquiries when we’re doing the best we can. So many times we’ve talked about raising children together. Raising good children who love and respect others. We work hard and come home and while we adore each other and our time together, our situation isn’t like some people’s situation where they can just try for a kid whenever they’re ready and make it happen. We knew we would need to see a specialist to know what our next step should be in our journey.

Early this year, Shane and I decided to see a reproductive endocrinologist to get a plan in place. After many tests, our doctor suggested we try a round of Clomid. I was crying about everything, tracking like crazy person and trying not to be as hopeful as I wanted to be (because everything was looking great.) Unfortunately in the end, that round didn’t work for us. Our doctor had a plan in place for the next round, but we decided to put things on hold until we were ready to try again.

I was very upset. Even thinking back to that moment to share it here makes me teary-eyed. For weeks I was super private. I explained to those who knew what had happened and tried to move forward because that’s what you have to do in situations like these. Going in for ultrasounds a few times a week and seeing all of the right progress only to have it not work out is so so tough. I felt like I was a failure because of my body not doing what it was supposed to. I felt angry because we were literally spending hundreds of dollars a week and had nothing to show for it in the end. I wanted to be saving money for our baby, not spending it to make a baby.

I’m thankful for my incredible husband who literally never made me go to an appointment alone and always reminded me that I’m not a failure and that we would try again when we we’re ready. He was always by my side. Even the one time I thought he wasn’t going to be able to make it, he surprised me and somehow made it happen. He never made me feel like my feelings weren’t valid and still wraps his arms around me when I’m struggling to understand why.

I wanted to say all of that because we’re ready to start fertility treatments again and have an appointment to go back to our RE next week. This time, I hope to share more because I don’t want infertility to always be something women feel like they can’t discuss and I definitely don’t want to feel like I can’t discuss it. I don’t want it to be something people feel uncomfortable asking about either. We want to share our experience. We want to share our journey.